Family and Friends - Please Read

As the date to leave gets closer, I’ve been generating more and more lists. This is my latest. It is a little different. None of the thoughts are my own. They are taken from specialists and parents who have done this before. I thought it was important to lay them out there for family and friends before Jack comes back.

Family Lingo – Without meaning to it is pretty easy to say some pretty hurtful things that can leave a lasting mark on someone who has been adopted. Here are some tips on how we would like you to talk about us and more importantly, Jack…

• Unless it is essential to the story, please don’t refer to Jack in anyway different than Rob or Charlie. You wouldn’t say, “He’s my Caucasian, biological grandson (brother, nephew, etc.).” So please don’t refer to where Jack came from or that he is adopted. He’s no different than Rob or Charlie.
• Jack’s adoption is an event in his life. It is not who he is. Usually a big to do is made out of the birth of a relative. Details are discussed shortly after the birth, but down the road, you wouldn’t say, “He is a caesarian birthed child.” Jack’s coming home should be a big to do now too. But down the road, only if it really has to be stated, please say, “Jack was adopted in March 2010.” DON’T SAY, “Jack is adopted.”
• It is NOT OK to refer to Jack’s biological parents as “real” or “natural” parents. They SHOULD be referred to as “birth” parents. And, unless this is a conversation Jack starts, it really isn’t something that should be entering our conversations.
• If someone happens to use language as mentioned above, especially in Jack’s presence, please politely correct them.

Parenting – There’s a lot to be said on how formative the first three years of life are. Jack’s been dealt a pretty rough hand. The first year is when we learn the basics: who mom and dad are, and lots and lots of other REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF. Jack was in an orphanage that year. We know that the second was spent with a foster family. Although we assume that he is receiving the love and nurture he should, we really don’t know what his circumstances are. Throw in the fact that he is now coming to an environment totally different than anything he is used to with strange looking people everywhere. Mike and I are going to be working very hard to give Jack all the things he missed. Most children given his early life circumstances will enter families with bonding, attachment, and sensory depravation issues. These are things that can be worked through, but our parenting may be a little different this time around. The first thing Jack needs to learn is that I am his mom, Mike is his dad, and it is our job to permanently meet his needs. We also ask that you follow these guidelines to help Jack transition as easy as possible.

• Our house is where Jack will learn who Mike and I are and what it means to be his mom and dad. Until we know that he understands, we will be bunkering down. It may be a while before we want even our family members to come over. (We do want to share our experiences with you. We hope you check here frequently to see how Jack's doing.) Please do not take this personally. We just want Jack’s transition to be a smooth as possible.
• When you do meet Jack, please play with him, talk to him, and let him know how wonderful he is. But PLEASE DO NOT PICK HIM UP. If he wants to be picked up, lovingly help him find his mom or dad. We need this to happen until we know that Jack knows the difference between his parents and the rest of the world.
• Related to the note above, take every opportunity at first to tell Jack what a good mom and dad he has. (As fun as it would be, I didn’t just throw this in…it really is a bonding and attachment thing!)
• This is kind of repeating, but up until now Jack has learned that moms and dads are replaceable. We need you to do everything you can to help support us in showing him that this mom and dad are forever.
• Please don’t worry, just pray. We have no doubt that God specifically chose Jack for our family. We’ve got the Big Guy backing us. Things may seem different at first, but we know this is what we are supposed to be doing. And we cannot wait to start the journey!

Your support means the world to us. Thanks for taking the time to read this lengthy request!